I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
