If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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