I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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