I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
The Olympian is in my bed
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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