its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
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One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
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She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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