Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
