Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Randomize
