I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
he shaved USA in his pubs
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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