Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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