I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
