were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
