No awkward lesbian experiences without me
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
