sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
