whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Randomize
