A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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