If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
