I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
