I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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