"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
you traded sex for a burrito?
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
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