my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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