Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
