I can tuck mytits in my pants
Little spoons don't ask big questions
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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