my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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