Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
