my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
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