I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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