I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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