Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Randomize