She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
