this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
lol hangovers are for mortals.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
