I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
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