his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Verdict: uncircumcised.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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