Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
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