just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
