I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
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