Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
You were trust falling into bushes
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
