My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
