why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
