On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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