No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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