The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Less talking, more tequila
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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