Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
