Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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