She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Randomize
