I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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