she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
