Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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