ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
