There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
