Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
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