if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Randomize
