Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
