I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
