You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
being pregnant is like rehab
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
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