the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
