i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Randomize
