He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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