Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Randomize
