saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
