oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
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I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
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