i jhust puked up my retainher.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I'm sobbing to NWA
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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