new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
