Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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